there was a time in my life when things were all I have to say is that I was pleasantly surprised and
he makes one of the best Jim Halpert faces I've ever seen.
he acts crazy at the movies and makes sure that I get it on film.
he's a really good looking kid, when he wants to be....
he stays up late with me, on a school night, to dress like rockstars and play rockband.
he makes me smile.
1. i have a roof over my head.
a cute house in fact. my room is my sanctuary. i have space, light and all of my belongings. sometimes, in the evenings, when i look out my windows into the darkness that is the night, i feel like i'm actually living in paris, in a single flat at the top of an old french structure. alone but completely in love with my surroundings. i feel at home and comfortable in my wool socks, warm sweater and indulgent book.
2. there is food in my cupboard.
i went grocery shopping for the first time in months and it felt strange. i bought food for myself but if a stranger had looked amongst my purchases, they would have assumed i was shopping for a 8 yr old child. my cart was full of cup o' noodles, spaghettios, easy mac, cookies, several boxes of sugary cereals, string cheese, one frozen pizza and four cans of green beans. {i'm trying to eat something healthy.}
3. i have clothes on my back.
although i'm beginning to detest absolutely everything in my closet, i do have clothes that fill the thing. they keep me warm when the air turns cold, they keep me comfortable when i'm feeling ugly and fat. they've been there with me through all of the good and the bad. silly, but i love them for being my companions through everything.
4. i have people that i love.
close and far away, i love you all. xoxo
5. i'm feeling more creatively inspired than ever.
it's been awhile. enough said.
6. i have hope.
there was a time when i didn't feel this would ever come to me. its small and of low light as of yet, but its there,plain as day, sparkling for me to see/feel/embrace. soon enough it will steal back my broken heart, and i will be whole.
7. i'm in my cozy bed, watching becoming jane.
"Jane, I am yours. I AM YOURS! heart and soul."
Life can be so challenging at times. I've felt the weight and pressure pretty heavily lately. I'm twenty six years old, should be well on my way into adult life. It's really been wonderful and I won't complain. I'm just not sure where I'm suppose to be, where I'm suppose to live my life and what I should be working towards. I know that this time will pass but I'm wondering how to find happiness in the middle of all this chaos. If only I could focus on the important things. For some reason, when I was a little younger, that came so easily. I'm naturally a happy person but lately I've felt less things to smile about, more lonely than ever and desperate for the perfect life I've always imagined for myself. A dear friend told me that I don't have the same sparkle in my eyes that I used to. Another friend has mentioned several times that I'm not the same person and that she wishes the old Jess would come back. This made me feel worse, which I'm sure was not her intention. I appreciate both of their honesty. But it got me to thinking, I'm still myself, I'm just a little dazed from life right now. I'm not sure how to understand what happened, how to move on and then how to find out what is next for me.
I fell in love with a wonderful boy. We became best friends instantly. I'm not sure how to explain how it happened but I felt actual confirmation that we were suppose to be together, possibly forever. Maybe I imagined it but I could swear that he felt the same. Our conversations were always centered, deep and felt like a chained eternal discussion. He taught me what it was like to be adored. He remembered every word I said, things that I loved and he knew how to make me feel special. He always rescued me.
Something happened. One day at a time, I slowly felt him slipping away. He came to me less and less. He seemed distant, pre-occupied, and slightly confused about himself, like he lost his confidence. I did everything I could to figure out what changed. Was I not what he wanted, not what he had imagined for himself? Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not small enough, not smart enough, not spiritual enough. I've toiled over it and I've even told him how I felt. He barely gave an explanation but did express his appreciation for my loyalty. I felt like I was losing my future, my destiny, my one real chance at happiness.
Actually, I still feel this way. Everyday I hope things will be different. I wait for texts just letting me know he's thinking about me. I pray that I'll receive an explanation of what happened, what changed, how he feels now. This anticipation and false hope is probably the root to my unhappiness. When he "left", so did my sparkle, my passion for life, the hopeless romantic. The hardest part is that I know I deserve someone who sees me for who I am and loves me for it.
I want myself back. I want my heart back.
I just don't know how to do that. How do you take it back when you're secretly praying that he'll change his mind? I'm ready, though. He's taught me so much and although its painful now, I know this pain can't last forever.
Soon the dreams will end, the memories will fade, the thought of happiness won't end with him.
xoxo
